REVIEW - FAR CRY 3: BLOOD DRAGON

The year is 2007...the not-so-distant future.  After we nuked Canada and invaded Australia, a former soldier gone rogue has seized control of a remote island and is threatening the world with weapons of mass destruction.  You are Sergeant Rex "Power" Colt, a Mark IV cyborg supersoldier and hero of the Vietnam War II.  Together with your hacker buddy Spider, you must stop Colonel Sloan and his cyborg Omega Force soldiers, liberate the nerds scientists, and save the world...AND AMERICA.

(Warning...this review, like this game, has a lot of profanity in it.  But in a good way...)

Holy balls, I loved this game.

I grew up in the 80s.  I watched all of the cheesy sci-fi action flicks that this game makes fun of, especially the cheap low-budget ones that came on in the middle of the night on cable.  So this movie kind of spoke to me and my childhood.  The neon everywhere, the random babble technojargon, the addition of "Cyber-" to everything.  Nailed it.  But I'm saying this very early on in the review because quite frankly, your enjoyment of this game kind of hinges on that: if you're not familiar with the source material at least somewhat?  Most of the humor and satire in the game would be lost on you.  You'd still get a lot of the jokes, but they wouldn't hit quite as close to home.

THE FUTURE IS NEON!

If you've played Far Cry 3, then you already know how to play Blood Dragon (if you haven't played Far Cry 3, stop reading this review and go play it; it's fantastic).  But while Blood Dragon may be a standalone game that does not require the core title to run, it is completely based in that engine.  Gameplay is essentially the same; liberate garrisons, shoot wild animals, take on Path Of The Hunter or Hostage Rescue side missions.  They simply reskinned everything, added some new assets, and gave you a new island to explore.  Enemies can be tagged with your "cyber eye", instead of the camera from the original game.  The only new things in the mix are the titular Blood Dragons, which are massive glowing beasts that roam the island, shooting lasers out of their eyes.

Graphically, the same principles hold, but fall slightly short.  I say slightly in that it's not the graphical capabilities of the game, it's the art design.  Everything is black, neon, or red.  The entire game.  Now, I know this is what they were going for, and it absolutely captures that 80s post-apocalyptic sci-fi feel flawlessly!  They knocked it out of the park on that one.  The problem is, once that first "Wow they really got it right" impression fades, your retinas get really goddamn sick of all the red.  The entire island is dimly lit with a red haze, peppered with blindingly bright blue, green, or occasionally yellow neon.  After an hour of playing, my eyes would start to burn, and I'd have to alt-tab out to a white screen for a few seconds.

When they glow red, you know they're angry

That said, the gameplay and graphics are not exactly where this game chose to shine.  Basing it on the core of an already established game that already had a very solid basis in both departments just meant that it wouldn't fall short in those departments (as many games of this nature do).  However, it's apparent from the second you boot the game up that they had much different plans in mind.

Where this game really scores is with its comedy.  I don't think there's a single line in the entire game that isn't played for laughs, whether it's overtly hilarious, or a line of dialogue that is amazingly dumb or bad, but delivered with a silly gravitas that coaxes the 80s cheese out of it.  Loading screens are designed to look like a VHS tracking screen, with randomly funny advice and pointers, like "When you catch on fire, scream along with your character.  It'll be like Karaoke."  Almost every single kill in the game is accompanied by some kind of one-liner from Rex "Power" Colt (yes, it is essential to say his name in full goddammit), ranging from dumb puns to "wait, what did he just say!?"  I laughed all through the blatantly patronizing tutorial, which offers to let you upgrade to the premium edition of the game to skip it. Hell, even the simplest things, like weapon descriptions in your submenus, are written for comedy.

It even makes authentic "pew-pew" sounds.

The more I write this, the more I sort of feel like a professional-sounding review (which I'm trying to maintain) does this game no justice.  It's not a professional game.  It's a balls-out action game that never even pretends to take itself seriously.  I mean hell, if you're not within melee range of an enemy?  Hitting the melee button makes you give the middle finger to people.  If you mash it quickly, you give 'em the double deuce, two finger salute.  It's profane as hell, it's silly, it's funny, and it's fun as fuck.  It's the only game I've ever played that used the words "cunt stabber".  There's even badly not-quite-animated sex in one of the game's pixelated cutscenes.  

AND IT HAS A GODDAMN MONTAGE.  Seriously.  The parodies and homages to 80s movies never end.  Not to spoil the intricate plot, but near the end of the game you grab a weapon that looks suspiciously like the Glaive, and Rex "Power" Colt cries out, "I've got the touch! I've got the POWER!", and cuts to a training montage, set to fist-pumping 80s synthpop.  Robocop, Predator, Blade Runner, He-Man, Transformers, Krull...nothing escapes this game's parodying.  And perhaps the best throwback of all, Rex "Power" Colt is voiced by 80s action star Michael Biehn, best known as The Terminator's Kyle Reese, or Aliens' Cpl Hicks.  

The weapons in the game are basically the best parts of the core Far Cry 3, distilled into a small set of guns.  Rather than clutter things with a variety of weaponry, you get 7 guns to play with, and a couple of explosives you'll rarely if ever use.  Your pistol in the game is a near match for Robocop's gun, and is called the "AJM 9" (Robocop's real name was Alex J Murphy).  Where the brilliance lies, however, is the upgrade system.  Upgrade your Fazertron from bullets to lasers?  You can do that.  Quad-barrel shotgun?   Hell yeah, go for it.  Explosive rounds for your Kobracon sniper rifle?   Fuhgeddaboutit.  Seriously, once you get those explosive rounds?  Unless you're aiming for stealth, there's almost no reason to use anything else.  The explosions are huge and can take out groups of enemies, with the pinpoint accuracy of a sniper rifle.  Game over, Omega Force loses.

I think one of the smartest decisions made surrounding Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon was the length versus the cost.  Yes, this game is fun.  Yes, this game is laugh-out-loud funny.  But the joke gets pretty thoroughly mined for comedy gold, and that gold does get stretched fairly thin after a while.  However, the main questline can easily be beaten in under two hours, and if you take the time to really explore, collect all of the collectibles and finish all of the sidequests, you can stretch the game out to about 6-8 hours.  It makes sure that it's absolutely worth the $15 price tag, but it also never overstays its welcome.  It's easily the best $15 I've spent on a game in a long time.

Yeah fuck you, red neon bad guys!

The only glaring flaw for me had nothing to do with the game itself, but rather the delivery system.  This game, at least on PC, requires UPlay, Ubisoft's godawful gaming "service".  Uplay is a half-assed attempt at making their own version of Steam, and it's crap.  It doesn't work half the time, and every time I've ever gotten a new game that requires it, I've had to completely uninstall and reinstall to get it to work.  It took me an hour and a half to get Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon to work.  Once I got it, I never had another problem with it, but it's still really annoying.  Fuck you, Ubisoft...fuck you and Uplay.

Bad mandatory programs aside, needless to say I'm a huge fan of Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon.  I have been interested since I first saw the trailer in April, but I seriously had my doubts on whether it could actually deliver.  It's everything I wanted it to be, and then some.  If you like sci-fi, if you like the 80s, if you like action shooters, if you like Far Cry 3, if you like puppies and kittens, if you like America....I highly recommend grabbing this one right fucking now.

Play time:  7-8 hours Finished:  100% completion  Recommended:   Yes.  For the love of all 80s cheese, YES.  Available For:  PC, PS3, XBox 360